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i'm scared I will die not at peace, not acting on all that I believed, not reinstating all that I have felt. I'm scared I will die like they say...just as you enter the world. Alone. Each step your glad you make it at the beginning but then you realize it will be the same shit for therapy. I'm just scared I will never heal, that we shall never heal. I'm scared that you will never grow just as he never did, that stubborn selfish personalities will prevail as history has said it to be. I'm scared to realise how pointless something so important to me is à l'autre monde. I'm scared I will leave like him, insecure and unsure. I'm scared I will run like him not knowing what else to do, frusterated and sick of searching for solutions. Its like we say, sometimes you must abandon ship, there are no solutions. what happens when you are the ship being abandoned. Do you think of it, as you leave the ship sinking, or do you continue to swim away. not doing anything because you are afraid it will do nothing in the end to change the path. its not worth investing within, its not worth staying within, its not worth the time nor the effort. its not worth the risk. what happens when you are the ship who sinks, and even your captain abandons ship. Do you give up, can you avoid sinking? i'm scared you didn't hear..you didn't listen...i'm scared because i have seen what is has done, and i know what it can do. i'm scared because i've gone in every direction and it all leads me back to this. how can it just be me. its not just me. i'm scared because you'll never realise how much i suffered, how much i tried, and will never care to realise, nor learn nor take the time to make things right. i'm scared because i know i have been left to linger in the last stages of something once so brilliant. i'm scared there will never be a sign, i'm scared there will never be a relief. the way things have been left make it impossible for such a reality to exist. Selfish humans, taking their lives, walking away when you need them most. giving up on you at the same time convincing you not to at all, its the most hypocritical, most humiliating experience i have ever been through. when will you confront me, when will you give me what i deserve, when will i have back my dignity. when will you learn to stay away if you can't give back. when will you figure out that this will not simply go away. when will you stop invading the very little i have left without giving me back the love i deserve. when will you realize its not just a word. that its killing me how it is this way. truly and completly ripping out every bone from my body every 100 times a day i remember. it is not ok, it will never be ok until you are brave enough to make it right, until you change. if not you are just the same as him, a man who decided to give up and runaway.